a good TV show to watch.

can I just draw people's attention to a show I've been watching on television over the last few days - I've only just come across it and it's really good, so I thought other people might be interested to see it too. It's called 'Wimbledon', and seems to be about a group of tennis players who are after some kind of prize that they have to play eachother really well to get. As I said, I have only just tuned in but it looks like if they LOSE, they have to give up their chance of a prize. Is it just me or can anyone else see a disturbing parallel with LIFE in all that?
ps there are some fine looking people in this show, but no terrapins. Again, the parallel with LIFE.

CROCODILE for £2.50.

Has anyone got any space for a crocodile in their pond? I found a homeless one round the back of Sainsbury's - it looks okay but talks funny. I think something might have happened to it. I would pay someone £2.50 on collection.

JUST FOR A MOMENT.

hello everyone especially Enobarbus my weirdo brother who has just emerged from his hideout in Morrocco, actually, which he didn't think we would ever find out. Serves you right my terrapin brother. You have done much worse things than the onions and STILL you walk free......
Anyway, putting aside the bitterness of family JUST FOR A MOMENT, perhaps you can all tell me any dreams you've been having recently, just in case they are the same as mine. In the interests of unprejudiced research I will delay telling you what mine are as I know how many of you just can't resist telling a great big lie, even if it is obvious.

Onion Transformation.

Has anyone seen my terrapin brother? He's smaller than you might think and not a great colour like he wouldn't exactly STAND OUT. If anyone has, please to enquire whether the large bag of onions he decided to put in the freezer - as a joke?? - has anything AT ALL to do with his complete psychological malfunction or whether he was indeed acting on behalf of the unknowable god of Onion Transformation.

MARMALADE MESS

looks like rain again. has anyone got any ideas what to do when it's raining? when Howard was small he was apparently made to sing while his mother made something called 'marmalade mess' for his father. Our friend Ced told me he has never done anything at all in the rain, which I can believe of Ced because he is so lazy and it would be surprising if he had ever done anything NOT in the rain, or ever.

AQUA-SAAB

My brother Enobarbus has given out some bad christmas presents in his time but none so miserly as this year when he simply broke off a bit of the turkey while the Queen's speech was on and kept it behind his back until it was time to open the sack. So when he got a present from Heidi you could more or less SEE him shredding off a bit of the turkey to hand over with his customary smirk. He really is a loser. But in this case he got something for nothing, as Heidi had given him an i-pod docking micro-station for his aqua-saab, which is just what he wanted. We were all very cross.
Did anyone else get cross in a similar way at christmas?

GET A BISCUIT.

As a terrapin i have hardly ever been required by the Aquatic Authorities to provide fingerprints for the purposes of crime solving. I suppose i would have a unique set. Unlike dna which i unfortunately share with my semi-criminal brother who i have wasted too much time locked up as an innocent party in jail (underwater) because of. Anyway. Can anyone clarify whether you can roll your fingers/ feet around and around on the police paper so as to make a very long imprint that would be virtually infinite? This would be easier underwater, especially with waterproof ink. Do you think Policemen would be amenable to this or would they get annoyed? Do you think it would hold up the law or uphold it? Do you think we should be able to get a biscuit if we give fingerprints? Do our fingers gradually wear down if we are criminal enough but never get past the fingerprinting stage, out of luck?