astonishing behaviour regarding the colours for Christmas.

today Ced absolutely insisted that the colours for Christmas are cream and silver, whereas someone else in the queue (we were in the Rigger bank) said it was orange. Ced went mad.
Can anyone confirm the colours for Christmas this year? I would like to know if Ced had ANY justification for his astonishing behaviour, before we start legal proceedings.

Jodrell Bank for £1.

Howard and I are quite taken by the idea of buying one of the banks for, say, around a pound. Does anyone know if it would need to be a Euro nowadays? We would like to know before we go in and make a fool of ourselves offering the wrong currency, seeing as we would be actually in a bank, and they might look a bit unfavourably on people who are confused about what sort of currency you have to use. This is only just in case there are any other people trying to buy the same bank, and it's not just a done deal before we even go in, like they're actually sitting behind the door waiting with their fingers crossed for someone like us to come in and offer to buy it and it's not going to matter whatever currency we're going to offer.
In Part '2' of my question, does anyone know which bank it would be best to buy? I do not want any poets to say 'Jodrell'.

Enobarbus: normal service resumed.

For anyone interested, Enonbarbus has now completed his community service and will once again be taking phonecalls. We are all hoping that that will be an end to it, but in view of his record I'm afraid that for many of us it is a tenuous hope. If anyone feels able to support Enobarbus (he is asking for money due to his greedy nature but I would advise other kinds of support) then he will generally be hanging out at the Poetry Cafe. He will be under armed guard for the first 3 weeks. Same mobile number for bookings.

THE MIGHTIEST PIE IS NOT A VEGGIE PIE.

what kind of a veggie pie does anyone think would be a good pie? I recently overheard someone asking for a veggie pie and just couldn't believe it. At terrapin school we did pie appreciation every day for an hour and a half and i can't remember anyone saying anything about a veggie one. Did I stumble upon a hidden tradition? Or was the person who asked either a) a spy doing the first part of a secret transaction...('yes we have veggie pies sir'; cue the passing of brown envelopes)...or b) did i just happen to be right on the spot AGAIN when the world put in an extra second in its orbit, allowing for some odd thing to happen?
I should like to reopen the debate as to the very best pie. (I will warn you - Enobarbus is reigning champion of this debate and, as everyone knows, he fights dirty.)

Reader, I married him.

Can anyone believe anything at all about the world today? Ced, for example, has just brought out a book, unbelievably, called 'Ced's book of spoilers', in which he tells you the ending of loads of films and books that you might want to read at some point. When he used to come and stay with us in Terrapin Waters he used to whisper endings to us just as we were dropping off to sleep and least resistant. On a similar note, has anyone got a dog who could either cook for a family OR run around like a maniac in wellington boots? I could use either sort of talented dog, and I would pay £2.50 on receipt.

A Healthy Interest.

would anyone like to write a poem? if not, how does anyone think poem writing is ever going to happen? When Heidi and i took poetry extension classes in the underwater academy after our mother had almost killed herself teaching us the tricks of it we did about 2 weeks and then got sacked for bad poetry, unfortunately, through no fault of our own but just that Ced had (bad luck) turned up on the same course and some of our verses got a bit sarcastic. But that doesn't mean to say we didn't maintain a healthy interest.

Has anyone been busy doing anything and if so what?

I have been very busy blackberrying, as predicted. What has anyone else been very busy doing? It is quite different from all my underwated activities as a younger terrapin. For a start, blackberries only seem to grow above the water, from what I can see. Discounting the Underwater Blackberries of Doom, obviously. No-one in their right mind would try and pick any of THOSE. (my friend Ced had one once and fell into some awfully bad luck.)

TOP TRUMP

now that it is autumn i am thinking of either joining the race for the whitehouse (america) or taking on one of the football clubs that have lost their manager recently and need a new one. I would have a bit of catching up to do with the whitehouse option but i wouldn't mind that as long as i won it, or came at least second. With the football one i might need someone to help me with the actual football, if anyone would like to, but i know a lot about the psychology of management and half-time analysis and i know the names of all the clubs and wags, so i should think i am more or less the top trump as far as the auditions for a new manager would go. The only thing is, i went blackberrying at the weekend and it looks like i could well be spending quite a lot of my time doing that over the autumn, for certain complicated reasons, which i would have to make sure didn't cut into my football manager/presidential candidate duties, but i shouldn't think it would, not too much.
Has anyone reading this ever divided their time between blackberrying and other similar high-pressure activities and might have some tips?

BAD NEWS for everyone.

The worst (in a way) has happened and Enobarbus has just come strutting through the house brandishing a certificate for 15 'A' levels, all 'A' grades. This means he can go on to study medicine at Terrapin Outpatients, which is BAD NEWS for everyone. Heidi and i think he must have cheated; it has been his M.O. all through our terrapin home-schooling and on into his most recent educational outings like his parachuting instructor's certificate and his licence to brew. It has all been one ridiculous episode after another with him. Heidi got one 'A' level at grade C, which is much nicer. (it was swimming.) I got an 'A' this time for terrapin physics, which I have now taken 8 years in a row so that I can prove it is getting easier. 8 yrs ago I got a 'F', which proves it.

Ced returns, unwelcomely.

does anyone know anything about making something for tea with pork and cabbage that doesn't make everyone absolutely sick? unfortunately Ced has just arrived at our place after a mercifully long absence and he's brought a whole load of pork and cabbage with him, not like a bottle of wine or some chocolates like most people would but then he's not most people, thankfully. he's bound to be thinking of something horrible to do with them; he's the kind of person who seriously might be a poisoner.

DON'T MAKE THEM UP

tell me your dreams. don't make them up though.
there is something about if you get 7 dreams in the same room there'll be some sort of thing happen. Shall we try?
I'll go first: there's this great big crowd shouting 'MARK MARK MARK!' but Howard gets up and they don't seem to notice it's not me. When i look at Howard he has got my face, and is eating chocolate with it. I realise i don't care and at this point the crowd start absolutely adoring me. then i wake up.

THE LOOK OF HER FACE

Jammy, how are you getting on with the crocodile? Has he said anything yet?
On another note, does anyone think a terrapin should have a girlfriend? I'd imagine like me you'd say 'that depends who they are.' Enobarbus has got one and it looks like we should put a stop to it. I would like to hear from any lawyers etc from the underwater world who have experience of successful actions of this sort, or from anyone who thinks they may have heard of a law I could use to my advantage. It could be a Legal Loophole or just a Law. It needs to start quite quickly by the look of her face. Thankyou.

ps still want to hear from nadal. curious to know if success has changed him.

do what you like

one of the things about rhyming food IS that you tend to forget the best ones when you wake up. You end up with second-best selection to present to the world, which is more or less what happens GENERALLY in this above-water world, anyway. Luckily there is nothing to say you can't start thinking about famous people who, for example, don't rhyme with food and don't get into the news very often. You can actually do what you like with the food rhyme thing.
Also, i would like to hear more from Nadal.

devil dogs

are there any?

rhyming food.

Apart from BRAWN PRAWN, can anyone think of any food that rhymes? It has to be nice food, not obviously something you would only eat because it rhymes, and it has to rhyme in every part and not for example pancake hake. Strict is good. Good luck.
ps there are some people who are particularly suited to this type of activity. Don't worry if you're not one of them.

a good TV show to watch.

can I just draw people's attention to a show I've been watching on television over the last few days - I've only just come across it and it's really good, so I thought other people might be interested to see it too. It's called 'Wimbledon', and seems to be about a group of tennis players who are after some kind of prize that they have to play eachother really well to get. As I said, I have only just tuned in but it looks like if they LOSE, they have to give up their chance of a prize. Is it just me or can anyone else see a disturbing parallel with LIFE in all that?
ps there are some fine looking people in this show, but no terrapins. Again, the parallel with LIFE.

CROCODILE for £2.50.

Has anyone got any space for a crocodile in their pond? I found a homeless one round the back of Sainsbury's - it looks okay but talks funny. I think something might have happened to it. I would pay someone £2.50 on collection.

JUST FOR A MOMENT.

hello everyone especially Enobarbus my weirdo brother who has just emerged from his hideout in Morrocco, actually, which he didn't think we would ever find out. Serves you right my terrapin brother. You have done much worse things than the onions and STILL you walk free......
Anyway, putting aside the bitterness of family JUST FOR A MOMENT, perhaps you can all tell me any dreams you've been having recently, just in case they are the same as mine. In the interests of unprejudiced research I will delay telling you what mine are as I know how many of you just can't resist telling a great big lie, even if it is obvious.

Onion Transformation.

Has anyone seen my terrapin brother? He's smaller than you might think and not a great colour like he wouldn't exactly STAND OUT. If anyone has, please to enquire whether the large bag of onions he decided to put in the freezer - as a joke?? - has anything AT ALL to do with his complete psychological malfunction or whether he was indeed acting on behalf of the unknowable god of Onion Transformation.

MARMALADE MESS

looks like rain again. has anyone got any ideas what to do when it's raining? when Howard was small he was apparently made to sing while his mother made something called 'marmalade mess' for his father. Our friend Ced told me he has never done anything at all in the rain, which I can believe of Ced because he is so lazy and it would be surprising if he had ever done anything NOT in the rain, or ever.

AQUA-SAAB

My brother Enobarbus has given out some bad christmas presents in his time but none so miserly as this year when he simply broke off a bit of the turkey while the Queen's speech was on and kept it behind his back until it was time to open the sack. So when he got a present from Heidi you could more or less SEE him shredding off a bit of the turkey to hand over with his customary smirk. He really is a loser. But in this case he got something for nothing, as Heidi had given him an i-pod docking micro-station for his aqua-saab, which is just what he wanted. We were all very cross.
Did anyone else get cross in a similar way at christmas?