an ex-knight, perhaps.

In an extraordinary meeting of the Book Club, nearly everyone voted for the idea of Ced giving back at least 3/4 of his pension and all of his knighthood, if he had one, which he said he did, but nobody thinks he has.
In the final moments of the meeting, all the women voted for no men to be allowed to the next meeting, which will be held at the Underwater Pub of Cakes and Biscuits. None of the men opposed this with any success.

fed up of the onion

Ced has voted against the government in a typically skittish last-minute move, just in case anyone's interested. He has only said that it was a 'name he didn't like': as usual, it's not worth the attention.
On a more elevated plane, there is talk of a new cross of onion and chive that could answer a lot of prayers to the kitchen god - can't wait. I am absolutely fed up of the onion on its own.
Mark is experimenting with a new cleaning routine in the house ie ACTUALLY DOING SOME.  I heard Heidi telling the entire Post Office that she couldn't even tell the difference, which is a bit mean, although true.
Is it possible anyone's kept Mark's birth certificate? If you have, could you either let me have it to destroy, or destroy it youself as your two options. Thankyou. Don't try to copy it off.

The Toastman Always Rings Twice

Heidi's cousin is a bit down - second on her list of possible career paths was being a Bishop, which isn't very likely now. Luckily, the top spot is still a Toastman - even though it is a career path by way of a mishearing it ticks nearly all of Heidi's cousin's boxes, except the clothes are not as good as a Bishop, especially in the rain or at a party. She has consolidated her choices by aiming to become a Bishop's wife and a Toastman, so she can borrow her husband's clothes and deliver toast, ringing only twice at each door or the toast will go cold. 
So that is Heidi's cousin wrapped up and ready for Christmas. Ced, however, has been found by Inspector Rebus, living under a false name (Ted) in rented accommodation, frittering away a huge stash of stolen money. It's exactly like last time, only this time he seems to be spending it all on biscuits.
Has anyone made their pies yet for the pie-off? And can we all give Christmas a miss this year?

at least £125

does anyone know if Inspector Rebus has retired or is he still available to look for Ced? Mark and Heidi took a photo of him yesterday but only got a partial print, although it was pretty obvious because of his head looked the same and that's usually the end of it. The way things finished up at the allotment, it wouldn't be a surprise to learn he'd gone back to the Island, but we are willing to spend at least £125 on some police work at this stage, seeing as he owes a lot of us a lot of money. We do not want a CSI sort of police. Don't bother applying if you're a CSI sort of policeman/woman - there's plenty of work for you elsewhere and it's honestly not worth working on Ced with Luminol etc as he never leaves any traces.
Otherwise, Mark's asking me to flag up his bookgroup for tonight. 7pm. Please bring a pie, and make a list of all the books you can think of before you come. Don't come if you can't think of 5 or more, or if you have made a false list, or if your list is unacceptable.

quince and two veg

Really nice that England won last night, but those quinces, HEIDI, are still waiting to be chopped.
Mark has been listing ways of using up quinces for ages now, although mostly it seems like a rerun of the Pear list, which is partly justified but partly just lazy. A few of them (quince pie, quince crumble, quince and two veg etc) you can even see the 'pear' partially rubbed out underneath the 'quince'. We were all hoping for some red white and blue options to go with the Jubilee but Mark hasn't thought of any. If anyone can think of a way of using up over 200 quinces and at the same time celebrating both the Jubilee and the Olympics, send it to Mark in the usual way. We're not holding our breath for it to actually come from him on his own out of his own head.

that overfeeding incident

Mark is doing a very interesting unit on Monetary Indifference at the old post office, if anyone's free for the next hour or so. This has really bucked him up after that overfeeding incident. You would have to be ready to go in about 10 minutes, or 5 if you are 'round the corner'. I would recommend gloves with flexible fingers and a hard-backed notebook with grids already in. I am pretty sure Mark is supplying pens and pencils of all types, because when he left the house he was carrying a lot of different pens and pencils. Ced did one of Mark's units before, and said that although it is really boring, it did give him something to write on his cv and show his assigned officer, so that could be one reason to attend, if you are trying to think of one.
Has anyone got flu yet? Could you let us know when that happens? Thanks.

he enjoyed the pies very much.

Heidi won't be coming to any more bookgroups after last night's fiasco, according to what her cousin told Mark this morning on the allotment. Mark thought her cousin was exaggerating in the retelling, but even if a little bit of it were true it is still bad. Heidi said she will now only do the Talcott Levy sub-group, and only if Ced isn't there, and on the condition that she is not asked to make 16 pies or actually any pies at all, after last night. Meanwhile, Ced has sent Mark a very nice email thanking him for what was possibly the best evening of his life, adding that he enjoyed the pies very much. He may well be genuine, as it is hard to tell with Ced sometimes.