87 rhyming words.

Ced has always made loads of cinnamon buns on cinnamon bun day, and he always says it's because he used to swim for Sweden. I cannot imagine when he thinks he did this, it must have been after he got out of the underwater jail and before he was put back in. Anyway, his cinnamon buns are so bad that just half-licking one of them is likely to kill you, even before you have a chance to wash out your mouth with a cleansing ale, even if you did it really quick.
Mark won all the prizes on national poetry day, again. He was especially commended for his epic poem which, even on close examination, said absolutely nothing. The public vote went to Heidi, who couldn't even think of a poem for ages and then suddenly wrote something with 87 rhyming words and only 3 others. Mark has, rather unsportingly, disliked it on facebook.

a pie to share

The Book Group is really taking off now, after last month's temporary set-back, with nearly every member ablaze with enthusiasm about some aspect of literature or other or just about coming to the group with a cake or a pie to share (usually). Our percentages are up on last year: 95% of our regulars are published authors writing yet another book, usually in the same tedious series. The other 5% can't think of a subject, but are probably not far off realising that they don't need one; books more or less write themselves, and then get sold and make money at a surprising speed. Most of our people have got at least 3 luxurious homes by now, which is useful for triangulation as they don't even know where they are half the time.
Does anybody know where Mark is? Is it Poppy's again? Has anybody ever seen Poppy? I've read her book 'All My Sad Receipts', which I thought was quite good and sad, but her new one, 'The Other Person Has Cleared', I have no time for at all.

an ex-knight, perhaps.

In an extraordinary meeting of the Book Club, nearly everyone voted for the idea of Ced giving back at least 3/4 of his pension and all of his knighthood, if he had one, which he said he did, but nobody thinks he has.
In the final moments of the meeting, all the women voted for no men to be allowed to the next meeting, which will be held at the Underwater Pub of Cakes and Biscuits. None of the men opposed this with any success.

fed up of the onion

Ced has voted against the government in a typically skittish last-minute move, just in case anyone's interested. He has only said that it was a 'name he didn't like': as usual, it's not worth the attention.
On a more elevated plane, there is talk of a new cross of onion and chive that could answer a lot of prayers to the kitchen god - can't wait. I am absolutely fed up of the onion on its own.
Mark is experimenting with a new cleaning routine in the house ie ACTUALLY DOING SOME.  I heard Heidi telling the entire Post Office that she couldn't even tell the difference, which is a bit mean, although true.
Is it possible anyone's kept Mark's birth certificate? If you have, could you either let me have it to destroy, or destroy it youself as your two options. Thankyou. Don't try to copy it off.

The Toastman Always Rings Twice

Heidi's cousin is a bit down - second on her list of possible career paths was being a Bishop, which isn't very likely now. Luckily, the top spot is still a Toastman - even though it is a career path by way of a mishearing it ticks nearly all of Heidi's cousin's boxes, except the clothes are not as good as a Bishop, especially in the rain or at a party. She has consolidated her choices by aiming to become a Bishop's wife and a Toastman, so she can borrow her husband's clothes and deliver toast, ringing only twice at each door or the toast will go cold. 
So that is Heidi's cousin wrapped up and ready for Christmas. Ced, however, has been found by Inspector Rebus, living under a false name (Ted) in rented accommodation, frittering away a huge stash of stolen money. It's exactly like last time, only this time he seems to be spending it all on biscuits.
Has anyone made their pies yet for the pie-off? And can we all give Christmas a miss this year?

at least £125

does anyone know if Inspector Rebus has retired or is he still available to look for Ced? Mark and Heidi took a photo of him yesterday but only got a partial print, although it was pretty obvious because of his head looked the same and that's usually the end of it. The way things finished up at the allotment, it wouldn't be a surprise to learn he'd gone back to the Island, but we are willing to spend at least £125 on some police work at this stage, seeing as he owes a lot of us a lot of money. We do not want a CSI sort of police. Don't bother applying if you're a CSI sort of policeman/woman - there's plenty of work for you elsewhere and it's honestly not worth working on Ced with Luminol etc as he never leaves any traces.
Otherwise, Mark's asking me to flag up his bookgroup for tonight. 7pm. Please bring a pie, and make a list of all the books you can think of before you come. Don't come if you can't think of 5 or more, or if you have made a false list, or if your list is unacceptable.

quince and two veg

Really nice that England won last night, but those quinces, HEIDI, are still waiting to be chopped.
Mark has been listing ways of using up quinces for ages now, although mostly it seems like a rerun of the Pear list, which is partly justified but partly just lazy. A few of them (quince pie, quince crumble, quince and two veg etc) you can even see the 'pear' partially rubbed out underneath the 'quince'. We were all hoping for some red white and blue options to go with the Jubilee but Mark hasn't thought of any. If anyone can think of a way of using up over 200 quinces and at the same time celebrating both the Jubilee and the Olympics, send it to Mark in the usual way. We're not holding our breath for it to actually come from him on his own out of his own head.

that overfeeding incident

Mark is doing a very interesting unit on Monetary Indifference at the old post office, if anyone's free for the next hour or so. This has really bucked him up after that overfeeding incident. You would have to be ready to go in about 10 minutes, or 5 if you are 'round the corner'. I would recommend gloves with flexible fingers and a hard-backed notebook with grids already in. I am pretty sure Mark is supplying pens and pencils of all types, because when he left the house he was carrying a lot of different pens and pencils. Ced did one of Mark's units before, and said that although it is really boring, it did give him something to write on his cv and show his assigned officer, so that could be one reason to attend, if you are trying to think of one.
Has anyone got flu yet? Could you let us know when that happens? Thanks.

he enjoyed the pies very much.

Heidi won't be coming to any more bookgroups after last night's fiasco, according to what her cousin told Mark this morning on the allotment. Mark thought her cousin was exaggerating in the retelling, but even if a little bit of it were true it is still bad. Heidi said she will now only do the Talcott Levy sub-group, and only if Ced isn't there, and on the condition that she is not asked to make 16 pies or actually any pies at all, after last night. Meanwhile, Ced has sent Mark a very nice email thanking him for what was possibly the best evening of his life, adding that he enjoyed the pies very much. He may well be genuine, as it is hard to tell with Ced sometimes.

Talcott Levy will not be wearing a wedding dress.

Ced is SO annoyed because he married a princess once and nobody noticed, and now there's all this fuss about william and kate. 'it's ridiculus', he said, yesterday at our place. 'i don't know what else i could have done - we didn't have youtube in our day and anyway she left me before the wedding.' 'what are you talking about?', said Mark. ' you were married to her for 4 1/2 years, as everybody knows.' 'oh i meant weeding', said Ced, who always likes to make slight changes in his words as he goes.
Anyway, can the next person who sees Talcott Levy please tell him he is expected at 6 for a rehearsal of the book group. For distant friends, it will be streamed live on youtube at 7. Talcott Levy will not be wearing a wedding dress.

Talcott Levy sub-group on the other side of the coin.

would anyone be able to fill in for Mark while he is writing his book? It would involve a lot of unnecessary fish-feeding and would last probably more or less your whole life, seeing as he hasn't even made a start yet and it doesn't sound like a book that anyone really wants to see written, even Mark. On the other side of that coin, our bookgroup is going from strength to strength after the remedial measures; introduction of a Talcott Levy sub-group has been very successful and nearly everyone has joined that except Enobarbus, who has formed a remainder group of one and is reading his 'Homecare' book again.

Talcott Levy, about to be fired off like a literary rocket.

Heidi has. In her round robin to her increasingly over-subscribed Book Group she says 'Much as Mendelssohn continues to play second fiddle to the popular ubergenius Mozart, Talcott Levy is, with his new and now very over-awaited novel, which is more or less poised on the edge of his publisher's desk about to be fired off like a literary rocket, set to expose the unwarranted reputations of some very-high-ups in the art world, and whatever else it will be, it won't be pretty. Could Artogen please bring his special dessert and if everyone brings enough stuff we could do cocktails. Come on people step it up even Ambridge has a bookgroup we got to go one better.'

Mark's thing.

Mark's got one of his things on - has anyone else read anything by Talcott Levy?? because if you have you are a friend of Mark. He is OBSESSED. He says 'GO AWAY IM READING' and 'LISTEN TO THIS:' and 'THAT'S AMAZING!' and 'EXACTLY!' and 'HAHAHA!' all the time. His eyes SHINE. Would somebody please put me up for the summer, pop round and feed his fish, change his socks, rinse his beansprouts, update his status? Because Mark has left the building with Talcott Levy on his arm.

TALCOTT LEVY found in Terrapin Zero's cell.

when we were young in the underwater terrapin school we used to read a lot of books by Hadley Levy, the Doyenne of kitchen management and interior design. Ced was very keen, which was odd, except if you know about Ced and anything to do with kitchen gear. Enobarbus got an 'A', but it was one of the ones written in his own handwriting that none of us set any store by. Heidi was offered a place at The London Met (upper campus) on the strength of her essay on 'Hadley Levy and the possibility of rebirth', which was very short but like a hot academic knife through butter. Unfortunately, she never got to take up the place. (Terrapin Zero episode, for those who may remember.) Anyway, it is quite strange that on a routine visit to Terrapin Zero's undeservedly luxurious cell the other day I found him to be deeply engaged with a work of philosophical literature by a certain Talcott Levy, and he said to me 'Haven't you even heard of him you are more stupid and ill-informed than i thought, and your mother.'- which is typical of him so i ignored it. As he rudely finished the book in my presence i was able to take it home to read myself, and it turns out it is THE Talcott Levy, who Hadley Levy used to bring into the kitchen in management classes, and use to decorate the sofas in interior design! The only thing is, it's a bit of a blow to Heidi's confidence (again), as she was due to bring out 'Might I Have A Word About Sunbathing' in 2 weeks' time, which by that time the whole world's going to realise there's no point in buying anything other than Talcott Levy's latest novel.
On another note, does anyone know what to have with fish?

Mark's a writer and Ced's a poisoner.

A notice for all involved in the production of Mark's new book, 'Telling Times': there will be a meeting this evening to determine the approximate length of time we are prepared to put up with this ridiculous charade.
On another note, does anyone know what to do with a lot of onion skin marmalade, which may or may not (it's obvious which) have been made by Ced, who is exhibiting more and more signs of the poisoner personality as Summer approaches, as usual? Would anyone who remembers EXACTLY what happened last time and MADE NOTES please get in touch. Ced is currently trying to draw Heidi into his summer-spun web of deceit and we must stop it if we can.
Aswell as his writing, of course, Mark has all sorts of projects, some of which involve me, and are entirely private.

Marmalade Magic and The Aftershock.

Mark has been making the most amazing marmalade, the method for which was taught him in a dream by an underwater terrapin-helper. Mark has always been able to remember any dreams he has, asleep or awake, and also to learn from them; Mark is a lot more evolved than most people. The marmalade is made almost entirely of the Underwater Oranges of Doom, but the terrapin method neutralises the doom, thank goodness. He has never let on what exactly he does but Ced rather cynically suggested it might be down to nothing more than the old terrapin magic, which generally does one ot two nice things in return for a lot of grief and we don't want to encourage especially after the last time. Even if the marmalade is as good as this it really isn't worth that sort of massively outbalancing downturn with, potentially, years of aftershock.

Terrapin Zero has a loyal twin.

Heidi has been doing some tracing on the internet and found out a whole lot of stuff she'd rather not know about Ced. No-one's seen Ced for ages, not even the back of him, although when there was all that confusion over the eggs and who did and didn't get them, everyone thought it was probably him turning up again. Anyway, Heidi got into Terrapin Zero's appalling website and discovered a recent poem Ced had had published there; apparently he has been writing to Terrapin Zero for quite some time, and has got himself onto his list of visitors, which must probably be only him unless Terrapin Zero has a loyal twin, which is the only likely scenario.

Trouble Is as Trouble Does.

The way things are going, there won't be any parsnips left for anyone, the way Heidi's been eating them. And if you want an example of something that's just waiting to happen, you just have to look at Enobarbus. Trouble is as trouble does, you'd be mad not to think.
Quite apart from the parsnips, Heidi's got a new puppy, again, altho she says she was really trying not to. it's another underwater jackadoodle. Unfortunately she hasn't seen it for a while and the last time she did it was running after Terrapin Zero with a suitcase. On another note, has anyone get a way that you can completely bypass the whole ridiculous thing of christmas altogether and go off into the broad sunlit uplands instead? I would like to do that as soon as possible.

Helen Mirren: no copies....or are there??

seems like a good time to go back to rhyming food. Heidi used to do it brilliantly when we were helping out in the old terrapins' home and finding it hard to stop the food fights. she made up a rule that you weren't allowed to throw any food unless you could find a rhyme for it. soon there was hardly any food fighting, up to when Enobarbus brought his new best friend Terrapin Zero in for a 'visit'.
anyway, we are where we are. coming as we are to the end of the summer, can anyone think of a rhyme for ginger chilli and/or garlic, with which we might light our way to winter? as an example of closeness, or homophoneness, if you took Ced's class in lingodepravity at the end of last term, Helen Mirren is close enough to mirin, if you're going down that path, so draw your own conclusions regarding the required accuracy of the task.
I'll kick off.. wine: fog on the tyne. No copies.

potatoes, but too much stuff.

when we were young in underwater nightschool our mother used to show us how to write airport novels and sell them off on the surface for enormous amounts of money, which we would then channel back into our potato peeling business. we all understood the importance of a nicely peeled potato. and still remember the horror brought into the home by Enobarbus when he announced his big idea - that a potato does not necessarily need to be peeled. as we watched all the colour drain from our mother's face Enobarbus compounded his crime by stealing all the money from the Potpeel fund and making off ''for Italy'', as he said in his strange low voice, oddly flat in the circumstances. We got a postcard from Italy the following year, made out of potato paper, which we can only guess was from him, but he's never talked about his time there.
However, ''Antonio'' has just turned up at our house with a very familiar facial arrangement but younger, and a lot of things have gone missing already. Enobarbus already brought us one son called Jack - very appropriate as he too could hardly keep his hands off other people's property.
On another note, does anyone else feel there's rather too much going on at the moment?