87 rhyming words.

Ced has always made loads of cinnamon buns on cinnamon bun day, and he always says it's because he used to swim for Sweden. I cannot imagine when he thinks he did this, it must have been after he got out of the underwater jail and before he was put back in. Anyway, his cinnamon buns are so bad that just half-licking one of them is likely to kill you, even before you have a chance to wash out your mouth with a cleansing ale, even if you did it really quick.
Mark won all the prizes on national poetry day, again. He was especially commended for his epic poem which, even on close examination, said absolutely nothing. The public vote went to Heidi, who couldn't even think of a poem for ages and then suddenly wrote something with 87 rhyming words and only 3 others. Mark has, rather unsportingly, disliked it on facebook.

a pie to share

The Book Group is really taking off now, after last month's temporary set-back, with nearly every member ablaze with enthusiasm about some aspect of literature or other or just about coming to the group with a cake or a pie to share (usually). Our percentages are up on last year: 95% of our regulars are published authors writing yet another book, usually in the same tedious series. The other 5% can't think of a subject, but are probably not far off realising that they don't need one; books more or less write themselves, and then get sold and make money at a surprising speed. Most of our people have got at least 3 luxurious homes by now, which is useful for triangulation as they don't even know where they are half the time.
Does anybody know where Mark is? Is it Poppy's again? Has anybody ever seen Poppy? I've read her book 'All My Sad Receipts', which I thought was quite good and sad, but her new one, 'The Other Person Has Cleared', I have no time for at all.

an ex-knight, perhaps.

In an extraordinary meeting of the Book Club, nearly everyone voted for the idea of Ced giving back at least 3/4 of his pension and all of his knighthood, if he had one, which he said he did, but nobody thinks he has.
In the final moments of the meeting, all the women voted for no men to be allowed to the next meeting, which will be held at the Underwater Pub of Cakes and Biscuits. None of the men opposed this with any success.

fed up of the onion

Ced has voted against the government in a typically skittish last-minute move, just in case anyone's interested. He has only said that it was a 'name he didn't like': as usual, it's not worth the attention.
On a more elevated plane, there is talk of a new cross of onion and chive that could answer a lot of prayers to the kitchen god - can't wait. I am absolutely fed up of the onion on its own.
Mark is experimenting with a new cleaning routine in the house ie ACTUALLY DOING SOME.  I heard Heidi telling the entire Post Office that she couldn't even tell the difference, which is a bit mean, although true.
Is it possible anyone's kept Mark's birth certificate? If you have, could you either let me have it to destroy, or destroy it youself as your two options. Thankyou. Don't try to copy it off.

The Toastman Always Rings Twice

Heidi's cousin is a bit down - second on her list of possible career paths was being a Bishop, which isn't very likely now. Luckily, the top spot is still a Toastman - even though it is a career path by way of a mishearing it ticks nearly all of Heidi's cousin's boxes, except the clothes are not as good as a Bishop, especially in the rain or at a party. She has consolidated her choices by aiming to become a Bishop's wife and a Toastman, so she can borrow her husband's clothes and deliver toast, ringing only twice at each door or the toast will go cold. 
So that is Heidi's cousin wrapped up and ready for Christmas. Ced, however, has been found by Inspector Rebus, living under a false name (Ted) in rented accommodation, frittering away a huge stash of stolen money. It's exactly like last time, only this time he seems to be spending it all on biscuits.
Has anyone made their pies yet for the pie-off? And can we all give Christmas a miss this year?

at least £125

does anyone know if Inspector Rebus has retired or is he still available to look for Ced? Mark and Heidi took a photo of him yesterday but only got a partial print, although it was pretty obvious because of his head looked the same and that's usually the end of it. The way things finished up at the allotment, it wouldn't be a surprise to learn he'd gone back to the Island, but we are willing to spend at least £125 on some police work at this stage, seeing as he owes a lot of us a lot of money. We do not want a CSI sort of police. Don't bother applying if you're a CSI sort of policeman/woman - there's plenty of work for you elsewhere and it's honestly not worth working on Ced with Luminol etc as he never leaves any traces.
Otherwise, Mark's asking me to flag up his bookgroup for tonight. 7pm. Please bring a pie, and make a list of all the books you can think of before you come. Don't come if you can't think of 5 or more, or if you have made a false list, or if your list is unacceptable.

quince and two veg

Really nice that England won last night, but those quinces, HEIDI, are still waiting to be chopped.
Mark has been listing ways of using up quinces for ages now, although mostly it seems like a rerun of the Pear list, which is partly justified but partly just lazy. A few of them (quince pie, quince crumble, quince and two veg etc) you can even see the 'pear' partially rubbed out underneath the 'quince'. We were all hoping for some red white and blue options to go with the Jubilee but Mark hasn't thought of any. If anyone can think of a way of using up over 200 quinces and at the same time celebrating both the Jubilee and the Olympics, send it to Mark in the usual way. We're not holding our breath for it to actually come from him on his own out of his own head.